When reality hits...

[Note: this is written by Jenn on her blog (jennandrandyekins.blogspot.com) and reposted here with permission]

August 10, 2010:

It has been 9 days since the last time we held our little Katie in our arms. 9 days since we changed our last diaper. 9 days since we made up her medicine. 9 days since we prepared her food and turned on her food pump. 9 days since we carried her out to the van and buckled her into her car seat. 9 days since I washed any of her laundry. 9 days since we heard her reassuring cough. But it is this next statement that I write that leads me to this blog post... It has been 9 days since we left the hospital with only 3 of our daughters. In fact, as we left the hospital with Emily, Madeline and Ellie and loaded up into Randy's truck, we had the first realization of just how hard this adjustment was going to be. The truck has 6 seat belts- 3 in front and 3 in back. Ellie and Katie were always in their car seats in the back with Madeline beside them while Emily sat in between Me and Randy in the front since she was the oldest. As we unlocked the doors that night in the hospital parking lot, Emily automatically climbed into the middle of the front seat. The look on her face as she realized that there was room for her in the backseat was so sad. That was when reality hit.

It seems like the last week and a half has been so busy. We have had many friends and family come to stay with us to show their support and help out around the house in ways I never knew possible. Ward members opened their homes to our friends and family so that they wouldn't have to get a hotel. We were so thankful for their generosity but still had everyone stay with us. There were 8 people in our bedroom (and that doesn't include my sweet friend Jenn from AZ who camped out on the floor in our closet)... 3 people in a different bedroom... 6 in another... Bottom line is that our house was full of distractions for the girls and I had plenty of help with meals and laundry so Randy and I could devote our time to visiting with friends and making funeral arrangements. The nights are always harder so 4 of my best friends sacrificed their beauty sleep to stay awake and cry with me every night... always offering neck and shoulder rubs... even painting my nails for me when I was able to fall asleep on the living room floor!

Today, everyone who was visiting from out of town, had to go home. The house was so quiet and different... Randy and I started some laundry, cleaned up the kitchen a little, and decided that we should go to Target to get some odds and ends. We were a little apprehensive about going because it's hard to go out into the real world and see that "life goes on"... But we also know that life DOES go on and we can't be sad forever. It was lunchtime so we bought the girls some popcorn and ICEE's in the Target cafe and just walked around looking for stuff like thank you cards and shampoo... The longer we were there, the more foreign things started feeling. We only had a shopping cart to push instead of a shopping cart AND a wheelchair... And that is when it happened. A very sweet lady commented on how we had 3 beautiful little girls and how she just thought they were so adorable. She started talking to them and asking them their ages and if they just LOVED having sisters to play with... That's when Randy had to walk away... Sure enough, Ellie says "We actually have 4 girls in our family. Katie can't come shopping with us anymore because she died and went to live with Heavenly Father..." We were so proud of Ellie... not for making that sweet little lady cry, but for reminding us that Katie will live in our hearts forever.

That same sweet little 3 year old sobbed and sobbed when they closed Katie's casket on Saturday. She cried herself to sleep as she sat on my lap during Katie's funeral service. Then she woke up as Randy and the other pall bearers were carrying Katie out of the chapel and cried some more. It was so sweet to see Emily, Madeline and Ellie experience such tender feelings. I am so thankful that Katie's sweet spirit lives on for all of us to remember. May we all strive to be the best we can so we are worthy enough to be where she is. I know that when we all see Katie again, she will put her arms around every single one of us, look into our eyes and tell us she loves us. What a glorious day that will be.